So many.
First there are the physical effects: one year after the second operation the consultant told me that things are now 'as good as they're going to get'. He can't do any more repair work - any repair could cause more damage than he's actually repairing - and the healing of the scarring probably won't improve now. As for the 'mis-match' each side of my lips, that's it now. Inside my lips it's all swollen - the consultant said 'it's not swollen, just differently shaped'
So what's worse, when I know how bad it looks and that I look different or when people say 'oh, if you hadn't told me I wouldn't have noticed anything' and from those who did know 'it's healed well, I can't see anything now'? I don't know. It's bad knowing how it looks and seeing it every day but more than that, I can feel it 100% of my waking time. It's not painful, there's never really been what I'd call pain. But it's sore and I have little sensation in most of my upper lip, a little of the lower lip and parts above the upper lip. More of that in a moment.
But when others say they can't see anything, it starts me thinking that I'm imagining things, it feels like they're trivialising the whole situation, almost that they're saying 'it's nothing'.
The lack of feeling and the swelling inside my lips: that causes difficulty with drinking and eating and sometimes with speech. Not a major disaster but it's something that does have quite an effect on daily life - eating out is no longer enjoyable, it's difficult. I no longer drink tea as I like my tea HOT and my lips don't tell me if it's too hot! So I stick to black coffee and wait for it to cool a bit before I even start it. As for the occasional difficulty with speech - I'm aware that when I speak my lips aren't forming the letters in the way that they did. One of my plans, just before the attack, was to do a course to teach English as a Second Language. I'm not sure I can do that now. Other plans included going back to working with young people but my confidence has gone.
The worst is the anger. What am I angry about? A list may help me.
I'm angry
- that the dog owner didn't warn us or try to control his dog
- that he showed no concern at the time or since
- that a dog attacked ME when I love dogs
- that the courts merely ordered him to keep his dog under proper control. They are so stupid and don't care
- that the dog has been left free to attack someone else
- that the dog's owner is now in blissful ignorance of everything I've experienced
- that I have to provide evidence of everything for the solicitor in respect of the claim. It feels like we are having to open up our lives and yet I'm the victim
- because I hate the word 'victim'
- that I've lost so much of the future I planned - new career etc
- that Mick had to run the Trophy business mostly on his own from December to when we sold it the following May, as well as trying to do his own job and, early on, care for me too
- that we then sold the business for much less than we would have accepted in normal circumstances. We hadn't been in any rush to sell and I'd have happily kept on running it if we hadn't found a buyer at the right price
- that I'm now nervous around some strange dogs and won't take my own out for walks on my own
- that when the GP (who has been fantastic) referred me to counselling, I waited 10 months and then was offered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, not the counselling I had needed. Following Mick's complaint we were told that they can only speed things up in 'exceptional circumstances' - the circumstances seemed pretty exceptional to me.
- that no-one else appears to have cared enough to fight against the stupidy of the court, to tell the dog's owner more about what has happened and make him properly aware of the severity of the attack and it's consequences
- that, if no-one else cared enough to fight, then it's not important to anyone else.
- that I have to keep dealing with all this stuff from the solicitor and have to ask for help rather than have it 'taken over' and sorted out for me.
- that, nearly 17 months on, it's still causing me problems and I have no idea how long it will take to resolve the claim.
- that I'm now having to go through 'speech therapy' (more to help with drinking and eating difficulties caused by the lack of muscles and loss of nerves)
UPDATE - September 2010
I finally did the CELTA course and I'm now qualified to teach English as a Second/Foreign Language. Just doing the course in Leeds helped my confidence immensely and I've really enjoyed the couple of bits of teaching work I've had since then. I'm busy hunting all the time for more work and I'm sure I'll get some.
The anger is not as bad lately but still surfaces occasionally - usually when something triggers it. It may be the sight of my saxophone in its case and the knowledge that I'll never be able to learn to play it properly now. Sometimes too, hearing a saxophone can have the same effect.
It can be just a day when the lip area feels extra sore or extra tight and stiff or when I'm trying to put lipstick on and it just won't go on properly.
It can be the thought of that dog, still presumably there and still a threat.
It can be a communication from the solicitor re the claim - or lack of communication when I'm expecting to hear.
But I'm dealing with it better than I did and I hope that once the claim is resolved that I can begin to put it even further behind me and get on with my life.
See - dog attacks for updates
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